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> > Well, these delicate creatures called Kabbas (Cool Dude) are very > common> these days, and you should have no problem in spotting several of them during the course of an average day. They are usually seen in the environments of so-called "Kabba-joints". All Kabba activities are co-ordinated at a well-established Kabba-joint, which is nominated as Kabba-HQ. Kabba-HQ was earlier at a Plaza with much Liberty, but due to the high growth rate of Kabbas, has been moved to more Majestic locations in the City for lack of space. > > Once you are confronted with a Kabba, it is not too difficult > identify it as such. (I use the term "it" because most of the time it is difficult to determine the sex of a Kabba). A Kabba will generally > emit speech in an accent of doubtful origin, usually one that sounds like a mixture between Canadian-French and Azerbaijani. Most of their vocabulary is collated from the FM station YesFM, although it is doubtful whether a typical Kabba will know the difference between the language spoken there and English. Kabbas frequently utter distinct key-words like "Yo", "Maan", "Cool", "Brother", "Dude" etc. > Conversation between one or more Kabbas is usually animated, and takes place with the fingers of the hand positioned in the manner of Fleming's Law (Re:A/L Physics), or some similarly arthritic configuration. > > However, it is not always that you will be fortunate enough to come face to face with a Kabba. Do not worry - Kabbas can easily be identified from a distance too! This is due to the characteristic walk of a Kabba, which is generally a mixture between Moonwalking and simple harmonic motion [SHM, y=k.sin(t)]. > > Kabbas will usually be camouflaged in knee-length or boxer shorts, along with seemingly oversized and highly colourful shoes with equally oversized tongues. All this will be topped off with a baseball cap worn back-to-front. Not all Kabbas go for the baseball cap though some of them sport pony-tails or the "inverted hopper cut" where the Kabba is required to shave off all hair on the vertical portions of the head and leave only a growth of hair that constitutes a section of a globe, which, to the untrained eye, resembles an inverted hopper resting on the head of the Kabba, hence the name. > > Kabbas have very delicate eyes and these are usually protected from any form of light radiation by the use of extra-dark sunglasses in all forms of weather. Please do not get offended if a Kabba bumps into you by accident, particularly on dark rainy days, this is only because it cannot see through it's protective eyeglasses, and cannot risk damage to it's delicate eyes by taking them off. Some Kabbas have very delicate ears as well, which are protected by the use of small transistorized music-emitting devices from the far-east. Most Kabbas (usually the female variety - Kabbis) will carry their worldly possessions in a small bag (code-named "monkey bag") strapped to their back. > > The Ultimate Kabba will possess most of the above features and will be seen walking along the Galle Road blissfully sipping a Thambili Gediya (or "King Coconut" as they call it). Kabbas are generally harmless, but can sometimes get boisterous if identified in public as such. You may also occasionally encounter a strange creature known as a Kabba-In-Training or KIT. This is a non-Kabba being that strives to become a Kabba for some reason or the other. Such desire is usually indicated, for example, by a radical change in hairstyle or the irregular use of Kabba keywords like "Yo Maann" etc. > > Please note that, like all beings, Kabbas undergo a continuous > process of evolution, and as such no definition of a Kabba will ever be 100% accurate. In fact, Kabbas undergo evolutionary metamorphosis at a much faster rate than most creatures, and hence the Kabbas of today are the non-Kabbas of tomorrow. The evolution of Kabbas is generally accelerated by the presence of satellite television, and even more so by the presence of an international network of Kabba music groups and personalities. The nature of Kabbaism promoted by such Kabb-groups varies greatly with time.(Take as a guideline the Kabba differences between, for example, Kriss Kross and Oasis). > > I hope this small guide to Kabba-detection will enable you to tell a Kabba from a non-Kabba. Please remember that Kabbas generally mean no harm, and are usually friendly creatures. Feel free to be seen around Kabbas, but be warned that Kabbaism is rather contagious..... > > PS. As indicated, the definition of a Kabba is a function of time. If > anyone out there has any corrections/additions to the definition > given above, please do publish them for common benefit. > > PPS. I just received information that the origin of the word Kabba > was derived from the name "Cabraal", who was notably the first Kabba to be discovered roaming free. I am not sure about the authenticity of this claim, so please correct me if I'm wrong. > > Some dictionary definitions from the latest Oxford English > Dictionary. > Kabba, n - A comical creature that is derived from the species homo sapiens, and is easily distinguished by certain characteristic > features which change with the passage of time in response to the environment. > > Plural:Kabbo > > Kabbi, n - The female version of a Kabba. (See Kabba). > > Plural: Kabbiyo. > > Comments : As mentioned the Kabbos are a really fast evolving > species. The latest, seems that HIGH-TECH is having its go into this civilization in the form of highly sophisticated little electronic gadgets which emit Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation (LASER). (My view is that this might be a system used by the Kabbos to help them see better behind those dark glasses). Whatever the reason, the majestic places of the city and some other popular Kabba joints can sometimes take the form of a scene out of STAR WARS or GI JOE with laser displays all over the place. > > Another change in the Kabbos is the dress code. Even though at the time of the original article the Kabbos used to wear knee-length or boxer shorts, the most recent trend is quite the opposite. PYJAMAS! > Most Kabbos(Male and Female) can be seen walking in this kind of attire in the middle of the day, and as a common fact nearly all Kabba clothing is fastened by zippers.(The art of putting on ones own buttons seems something this species is slow at learning). Even the once so popular baseball cap has now been replaced by a ski-cap. Yes my dear fellow readers, you wouldn't believe it till you see it. It makes you wonder if this delicate species is capable of internal climate control. Someone walking down Galle road in mid afternoon with a ski-cap is a terrible understatement of our tropical weather. > > The Kabbas normally stay in groups of 4 or 5,with a ratio of one > Kabbi to 3 Kabbas. (Please note that this figure may change from time to time). A myth among many of us is that Kabba joints are places where the members of a Kabba group meet. Careful study of this civilization shows that this is not the case. The group enters and leaves the Kabba joint together. > > Then do they purchase their worldly Kabba goods from such places? The answer again is negative. Research reveals that Kabbas have never been spotted performing such action. Then what is a Kabba joint and what does a Kabba do in a Kabba joint? Only a Kabba will know the answer to that. > PS - I have certain reservations about this definition esp. the > derogatory reference to Oasis. Apart from that and the lack of > description of the Kabbas and Kabbis main activity which is courtship in its primeval form the rest of it is rather accurate. > > THE PATH OF THE KABBA. > Having been introduced to the fundamentals of Kabbaism, the young Kabba strives to achieve higher and higher levels of this socio-religious order. These attainments are characterised by the addition to their attire of accessories: > Chicago Bulls Cap - denotes vast store house of KNOWLEDGE about club sport. > Harley Davidson Belt - denotes HARMONY. Goes with the bike, of > course. > Carterbilly shoes - denotes CONCERN (for Bangkok businessman who rip off opular established brand names). > Ear Stud - denotes AWARENESS (of right from left). > > While developing these ideals the Kabba must always keep in mind the 4 pillars of Kabbaism. > 1) Napoonsaka (the Middle Path) > 2) Vanachara > 3) Peraytha > 4) Kala-kanni > > However, after learning and practising these principles for many > Saturdays at the Majestic Temple of Kabbaism, the Kabba will be > approached by Great Spirit called godayatamajic. Godayatamajic will lead the now mature Kabba to the "Union Place": to that most holy of holy places. Here he will meet the greatest Kabba, the One who has attained the dizzying heights of Kabbaism, the one who will show the other Kabbas the Way: > > KABBA-(at)-THE-HUT. > > Kabba the Hut will show them the Way. He will give them a New order to be performed within the Hut temple. He will endow them with the gifts of the Hut : T-shirt, Cap and a personalised name Tag with cool greeting on (eg. 'Hi! My name is Homeboy Sunil'). Here the Kabba learns how to spread the religion, convert the innocent. He does this under the system of 'Harima Kool'. Kabba the Hut teaches that once the non-Kabba can be convinced that a Kabba is 'Harima Kool' their conversion is assured. > > |
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